So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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