come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
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