hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
