Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
I need to calm my uterus...
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
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