We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
Randomize
