i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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