When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
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