he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
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Yes, that's a picture of my balls. It isn't however an answer to my question.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
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Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
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