Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
Randomize
