the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Randomize
