I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
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