People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
