I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
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