my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Randomize
