A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
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