How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
Randomize
