wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
chatroulette drinking game turned into a foursome.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
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