Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Randomize
