I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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