I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Randomize
