My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
they're like a gay fantastic four
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Randomize
