If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
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I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
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Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
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