A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
He? As in you personified your dick?
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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