i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
Randomize
