We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
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