You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
I know. She seems like she getting that "need some dick" restlessness. Might explain the feisty attitude
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
