people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
Randomize
