bang him and never speak to him again. also, queef in his face.
i dont this its possible to queef on command.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
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