you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
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