I'm going to rape someone's good day.
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Randomize
