I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Randomize
