I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
i love accidental penises.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Randomize
