my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
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