he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
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