it's too hot outside to masturbate.
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Randomize
