so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
