I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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