I like it. Barfy the gin-flavoured Assman
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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