sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
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