What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
