My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
Randomize
