Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
