i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
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what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
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New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
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