Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
areolas are like halos for boobs.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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