I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Randomize
