the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
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