theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
