I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
we dont know what were doing after yet. first up we have 90 beers and a party kit and fun hats.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Randomize
