Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
Randomize
