dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
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