i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
I need a beard to bite.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
